Tag Archives: magazines

Where Newspapers Still Thrive – the Underground

Train Reads

Newspapers: a reliable commuter companion.

When thinking of the last and only place where newspapers or magazines thrive, the first image to pop into mind was the subway.

Trains, metros, tubes, lines. There are plenty of nicknames for underground trains in the United States, but the lot of them have this in common: they disappear underground for long lengths of time.

During the morning commute, the free newspaper bins are always stocked to full and then ravaged by every hurried passerby. The free morning newspapers are the perfect commuting companion: they’re free, easily accessible and short. Perfect for the train commute into work.

But another convenience is the fact that these free newspapers don’t suffer while underground – you see, there’s no Internet connection to maintain. While even some of the most advanced technologies may lose Internet connection in the deepest New York subways, an old-fashioned newspaper keeps its words on every page without a flicker or blink.

Unless, of course, someone spills their morning coffee and soaks their copy from back to front – then the reading experience is ruined, along with your expensive slacks.

Regardless, even 3G marvels such as the iPhone and Amazon Kindle haven’t penetrated every subway tunnel and crevice. These underground oasises may be the last newspaper haven before the medium reaches its next stage of evolution.

Photo credits to Erich Ferdinand on Flickr.

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What Media “Magic Bullet?”

Recently, the phrase “magic bullet” pops up when journalists discuss the industry’s next business plan.

The story has been told again and again: print is not the ad-selling, cost-efficient, information-spreading medium it used to be, but online distribution does not fill in the money gap. In short, news consumers have grown used to information being free, but news providers can’t provide this free service and still put bread on the family table.

So perhaps it’s natural that the phrase “magic bullet” has come up. This refers to a quick cure that ends all ills without a catch.

Truth be told, a magical cure-all for anything would be wonderful – but as reality goes, that is rarely the case. Therefore, in a plane of existence where journeys are complex and take many loops and nauseating turns before the finish line, let’s look and see at some of the progress journalism is currently making.

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Desperate Journalists Team Up With the Porno Industry

Note: Here’s a fun little joke from April Fool’s Day. I hoped it was very obvious from the start, all things considering. But funnily enough, in the comments section, Russell Cavanagh from On the Money pointed out that some UK tabloids have been doing this for years. It’s strange how often jokes end up being some sort of truth.

This just in: all the print newspapers and magazines are saved!

It’s true. Journalists will no longer starve, but thrive.

“The answer was in front of us all along,” an expert said.

This development came after a long-negotiated deal with the main industrial leaders of journalism and pornography. The leaders wished to remain anonymous, for reasons that at this point also remain anonymous.

“It’s brilliant,” said the expert. “It’ll save the print industry, give writers their jobs back, and cut down on my Internet porn downloads, too!”

A market study of the journalism-pornography merger was immediately conducted the moment the official announcement hit the Internet. The addition of gratuitous pornography images coupled with published scholarly articles is expected to make print sales skyrocket.

Some preliminary estimates have gone as far as 10,000%.

Interestingly, the public relations employee that announced the merger was sporting what seemed to be a newly-grown porno mustache.

“It’s part of the new journalism-porno contract,” said the PR employee. Porno-mustache experts could not be reached before deadline for comment.

A New (Pornographic) Era

Before the Internet threatened their business, newspapers and magazines heavily relied on advertising to pay the bills. However, that marriage is no more,  and journalists have become desperate.

Enter: pornography.

“We always knew they’d come to us,” said a pornographer. “We’ve been waiting for this a long, long time.”

The plan: regular boring advertising is out, full page spreads of pornography are in.

“We couldn’t ask for a better solution,” said a desperate journalist. “I’m now guaranteed a job for the next billion years.” The journalist then burst into tears and began eating his own shirt for sustenance.

A Billion-Year Future Guarantee

According to studies, bucket loads of people download and watch porn on a regular basis. Now each click or flip of a page will earn a journalist a billion dimes. Each.

“Thank God for porn,” said another desperate journalist. “I don’t know what we would have done with it. Maybe starve.”

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