Desperate Journalists Team Up With the Porno Industry

Note: Here’s a fun little joke from April Fool’s Day. I hoped it was very obvious from the start, all things considering. But funnily enough, in the comments section, Russell Cavanagh from On the Money pointed out that some UK tabloids have been doing this for years. It’s strange how often jokes end up being some sort of truth.

This just in: all the print newspapers and magazines are saved!

It’s true. Journalists will no longer starve, but thrive.

“The answer was in front of us all along,” an expert said.

This development came after a long-negotiated deal with the main industrial leaders of journalism and pornography. The leaders wished to remain anonymous, for reasons that at this point also remain anonymous.

“It’s brilliant,” said the expert. “It’ll save the print industry, give writers their jobs back, and cut down on my Internet porn downloads, too!”

A market study of the journalism-pornography merger was immediately conducted the moment the official announcement hit the Internet. The addition of gratuitous pornography images coupled with published scholarly articles is expected to make print sales skyrocket.

Some preliminary estimates have gone as far as 10,000%.

Interestingly, the public relations employee that announced the merger was sporting what seemed to be a newly-grown porno mustache.

“It’s part of the new journalism-porno contract,” said the PR employee. Porno-mustache experts could not be reached before deadline for comment.

A New (Pornographic) Era

Before the Internet threatened their business, newspapers and magazines heavily relied on advertising to pay the bills. However, that marriage is no more,  and journalists have become desperate.

Enter: pornography.

“We always knew they’d come to us,” said a pornographer. “We’ve been waiting for this a long, long time.”

The plan: regular boring advertising is out, full page spreads of pornography are in.

“We couldn’t ask for a better solution,” said a desperate journalist. “I’m now guaranteed a job for the next billion years.” The journalist then burst into tears and began eating his own shirt for sustenance.

A Billion-Year Future Guarantee

According to studies, bucket loads of people download and watch porn on a regular basis. Now each click or flip of a page will earn a journalist a billion dimes. Each.

“Thank God for porn,” said another desperate journalist. “I don’t know what we would have done with it. Maybe starve.”

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “Desperate Journalists Team Up With the Porno Industry

  1. Marc

    got over here from your comment at In One Ear… Out The Other. Good stuff, I’ll be sure to give you a look from time to time in the future.

    • Thank you, Marc. I hope this little April Fool’s entry gave a few chuckles. Strangely enough, I actually think a pornography-journalism partnership would save the print industry, but it would be the collapse of morals as we know it.

      And same. I liked what you wrote. Keep it going.

  2. Marc

    I actually heard that the NYT would cut their printing and publishing costs in half if they just bought everyone a kindle once a year.

    I think that may be its more likely savior.

    • I’ve heard that too, though I can’t remember where that information was originally from.

      But I definitely agree that Kindle’s technology is the future for print journalism. But I wonder whether it’ll reach mass consumer status in time to save the print outlets that are already struggling.

  3. This is no April Fool. Certain tabloid papers in the UK are owned by porn barons and tits have been de rigeur on page 3 for decades …

    • Oh, good! So a concrete business plan is already drawn up.

      Though on a more serious note, I didn’t know this… yet there is a part of me that actually isn’t surprised. Thanks for the info!

  4. Russell "On the Money" Cavanagh

    Richard Desmond, who owns the Express Group of newspapers in the UK, is or was a porn publisher. “Spunk Loving Sluts” was apparently one of his publications. The Sun “newspaper” – now owned by Rupert Murdoch – has shown tits on page 3 for decades …

    Can I take the photos on your venture … ?

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